Jokes?

poliss · by **poliss** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:53 am

Nervous passenger: Do these planes crash often?
Steward: No Ma'am, only once.

I hear Abramovich has just bought himself a set of golf clubs.
St.Andrews, Carnoustie, Muirfield, Hoylake and The Belfry.

Jose Marinho, Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson are killed in a car crash. Arsene Wenger was driving and claimed he didn't see the stop sign.
They all go to Heaven and are greeted by God.
"Arsene" says God. "You are one of the finest managers of all time. Come and sit on my left."
"Jose!, you are the Special One. Come and sit on my right.
Then it's Fergusons turn. He says to God. "Hey Pall, you're sitting in my seat!!.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar.
The barman says "Is this a joke?"

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long face?"

A ghost walks into a wine bar.
The barman says "Sorry sir. We don't serve spirits in here."

A fish swims into a concrete wall. It says "DAM!"

How do you fit 4 Elephants into a Mini? Simple, 2 in the back, 2 in the front.

How do you fit 4 Giraffes into a Mini? You can't. There's no room because of the Elephants.

Why do Elephants paint their toenails red?
So the can hide in cherry trees.

Why do Elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.

What's black and yellow and highly dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?
Because it was only a little chicken and it couldn't walk hardly.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.

What's green and hairy and goes up and down?
A gooseberry in a lift.

What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

A man walks into a bar and asks who owns the Great Dane tied to the lampost outside.
"I do" says this 6 foot chap. "Why?"
"I think my dog just killed it."
"Killed my Great Dane? What kind of dog do you have?"
" A Chihuahua."
"A Chihuahua? How could a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
" I think it stuck in it's throat."

Camborner · by **Camborner** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:23 pm

A man loved tractors. He loved them, he would go to tractor shows, build tractor models, he adored them. But his love life was a little poor, so he wrote to a friend, who said 'Leave tractors alone, and focus on your love life.' It was heart breaking but he did it, and got a date. They went to a pub, and a load of soot feel from the chimley. The man started to blow, and blew all the soot back up the fireplace. 'That was amazing!' said the girl. 'How did you do that?'
'Easy' the man said. 'I'm an extractor fan'.

by **Anonymous** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:27 pm

Excellent Jokes!

by **Anonymous** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:32 pm

What school subject keeps you fit?
Jog-raphy

What fish has an engine?
A motor pike

Why did the person take a pencil to their bedroom?
They wanted to draw the curtains

Brynjaminjones · by **Brynjaminjones** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:52 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens weren't invented yet.

poliss · by **poliss** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:03 pm

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat-mate.

Brynjaminjones · by **Brynjaminjones** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:10 pm

I told a friend that one earlier!

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a cow!

Teleman · by **Teleman** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:39 pm

What do you call a Gorilla with a machine gun ?

Sir

by **Joe** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:22 pm

Two kids see Gordon Brown drowning and they help him as he climbs out of the water he says "Oh Boys thanks for the Help I owe you my life... Do You want anything as a thank you gift from me to you?" The First Kid Says Oh Please could I have some SSweets Sir? Gordon gives the boy a tenner to get some sweets the second says "can i have a wheelchair?" Gordon Says "Why?" Then The Boy Says "Because when my Dad finds out i helped Gordon Brown from Drowning He Will Disable Me!"

old tom · by **old tom** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:13 pm

Just one word sums this thread up:

GROAN!

But it gives you a smile :lol:

Keep 'em coming...

Teleman · by **Teleman** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:16 pm

I thought i was going to see a good joke from you there Tom

old tom · by **old tom** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:50 pm

Most of mine are not fit for this forum (all pub jokes) but here's one care of Ken Dodd..

Several 80's bands have joined together and are doing a tour. They include Shakatak, Bad Company and Earth Wind and Fire.

They are goin to call the tour:

'Bad Attack of Wind'

Who says the Yanks don't have a sense of irony?

by **Joe** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:55 pm

Two crisps wwere walking down the street... One was asaulted.

How did the police know the man who was attacked by a shark had dandruff?.... They found his head and shoulders on the beach! Hehe

Teleman · by **Teleman** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:57 pm

If you like i can get the Big Book of Jokes out if i can find it .

old tom · by **old tom** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:59 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please Pete, it's alright, we can cope, honest....

Camborner · by **Camborner** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:14 pm

A man walked down a street, and saw a red peice of tarmac beating up a black peice of tarmac. The man broke up the fight, and the red tarmac ran off. 'Shouldn't you tell the police?' said the man.
'Don't worry' said the black tarmac. 'He's a cyclepath'.

by **Joe** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:17 pm

Doctor Doctor! Ive only Got 59 Seconds to live!!!

Doctor: Ill be with you in a minute! Hahahahaha ha humf

Camborner · by **Camborner** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:17 pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home..'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

old tom · by **old tom** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:24 pm

Teleman · by **Teleman** on Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:24 pm

I cant find the book ! ... Deb must have hid it

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