[old tom]

Now that's the sort of quality stuff we want Camborner.... I'll be telling that in the pub tomorrow lunchtime!

Or as GB says... LMAO!

[poliss]

I used to be really conceited before I had the operation, but now I'm perfect.

[Joe]

cos it didnt have a farm?

[old tom]

Why did the woman cross the road?




I don't care, but why was she out of the kitchen in the first place?

OK, so it's sexist.. I was told it by a world rated chef... just shows you, dunnit?

[Brynjaminjones]

I've gotta tell my mum that one Tom!

[Teleman]

Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
Hit cow. Milage 123. Engine O.K. Cow dead.
Driver Murphy.

Memo. Driver Murphy:
Your report as to the demise of a bovine creature is to hand, but does not indicate fully the details of the incident that are necessary for departmental analysis. You are hereby advised that a further report from you is to be submitted as per the example on Circular B.S.F. /15/16789 exhibited in the enginemen’s notice case for guidance. Please have your addendum forwarded promptly to this office.
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.

Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
No more to Say. Engine still O.K. Cow still dead.
Driver Murphy.

Memo. Driver Murphy:
Your unsatisfactory addendum to your original memo is to hand. Your attention is drawn to the requirements of Circular B.S.F. /15/16789, which sets out the following questionnaire:
What was the boiler pressure at the time of the incident?
Was sand gear working?
Was throttle fully open?
What was the position of steam cut-off lever?
Was the brake applied?
What was the nature of weather and direction of wind?
What was the name of the fireman and guard?
Was the creature on the railway tract at the time of incident?
What was nature of injury to the creature?
In your opinion was the creature culpable for incident?
Give description of creature: age, sex type, etc.
What is your assessment of damages claimable by department?
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.


Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
No steam. Yes. No. None. Yes. Cow not killed by weather, wind, fireman or guard. Everything happened for engine to kill cow. Not enough of cow to find out the rest.
Driver Murphy.


Memo. Driver Murphy:
Your further unsatisfactory memo is at this office. You are forthwith explaine why you locomotive was not under steam at the time of incident and also your reference to your locomotive not being equipped with standard steam cut-off lever. For prompt and full report please.
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.

Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
Driving diesel engine. Needs no steam. Has no cut-off lever.
Driver Murphy.

Memo. Driver Murphy:
This office still awaits your full report as to how the creature was killed by your locomotive. We refer you to the relevant questions on Circular B.S.F. /15/16789:
Was the creature on the railway tract at the time of incident?
What was nature of injury to the creature?
For urgent return to this office by first available dispatch.
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.

Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
Saw cow walking over line. Engine swerved to left to miss cow. Cow kept walking. Engine hit cow.
Driver Murphy.

Memo. Driver Murphy:
With reference to your memo forwarded to this office you are hereby fined $1.00 for insolence. Herewith is a final demand for the completion of this correspondence:
What was nature of injury to the creature?
Advise without delay of your reply.
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.

Memo. Railways Traffic Officer:
Went to where cow killed. Cow is definitely dead. This cost me $2.00 expenses.
Driver Murphy.

Memo. Driver Murphy:
Herewith find payroll No. 180/274, to be signed in duplicate for $2.00 expenses as claimed. This correspondence is now closed.
Railways Traffic Officer
Per J.K Ch’kd.B.T Int. P.L.

[Teleman]

found it on another webb site so i cut - pasted to here

[Joe]

Lol that took forever for me too read...

[old tom]

Sorry Pete, I don't get it.

"Engine swerved to left to miss cow."

and

"Went to where cow killed. Cow is definitely dead. This cost me $2.00 expenses"

Please explain it to a sad nobody... ta

[Teleman]

I dont know how you get an engine to swerve but i think he had to pay $2 for the cow

[Joe]

Points?

[phil]

WHAT- PAGE 3 (not THAT page 3!) FOR THE JOKES???????

time for some revival......

similar to the Chavs joke and the Nova, excpet on the recent chinease whispers about the stored 66's........
Q
Why is 2 EWS 66's going into store a shame??????????????

A
There are 248 of the gits to go!

Regards, Phil

[Brynjaminjones]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love 66s! I'm going to go and sulk in a corner now! *Runs off crying*

[Rog (RJ)]

A midget gets on a train with his oddbins bag. He struggles to get it on the parcel shelf. So a good samaritian offers to assist. He takes the bag and puts it on the parcel shelf when a bottle of vodka falls out and smashes on the floor. The ticket inspector comes over and asks the midget if the vodka is his. Yes it is and I'm not happy.

A voice from the back of the train shouts Really, which one are you then?

[old tom]

He could be grumpy! Groan.....

[Boris]

what did the 66s ever do to you! i love them

dont know if these have allredy come, but anyway:

what do you call a chav in a box

breadbin

what do you call a chav locked in a box

safe!

if you see a chav riding a bike why should you not run him over
its probebley yor bike!

[Camborner]

Ah, heard that last one in an e-mail I had, and on QI.

[Boris]

haha thoes are brilliant!!!

love the last one :D

[Teleman]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused and say's. "What do they want with a plasterer?"

[Mallard]

You're not a monk

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'



The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know.'

'If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'

The monks reply,



'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, '



I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'

The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.'


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight!














But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.