[old tom]

Rog, that's far too good for this thread... go sit in the corner and think of a terrible one like....

What's a wok for?







Fwowing at wabbits.

[Teleman]

A Teddy Bear went to work on a building site
After a morning digging holes he stopped for lunch
When he went back to the hole his pick had been taken
So Teddy went to the forman and said "my picks gone"
The forman said "Dont worry because todays the day Teddy Bears have there pick nicked"

[TerryB]

What's a wok for?







Fwowing at wabbits.

..............When your wifle is bwoke.
T

[poliss]

What's a twack?
It's what twains run on.

[Anonymous]

Cool!

[poliss]

A pub regular noticed that every time he came back from the toilet that the beer in his glass had gone down a little. So he thought, "I'll fix them" and the next time he went to the toilet he left a little note on his glass saying "I've spat in my beer". When he came back someone had added to his note, "So have I".

[Camborner]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St Peter
took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley
Davidson motorcycle!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me ..." God commented: "Well, what's the big
deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke: "Excuse me, But aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial super-
computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur," but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

[old tom]

Good one, Camborner - far too good for this form!

[Camborner]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment - Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."



"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.



"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"



"Very good," said the teacher.



Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,



"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat

market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."



"That was a fine story Sarah. Ashleigh, do you have a story to

share?"



"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Susan.



Aunty Susan was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was

hit.



She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.



She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she

landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of

them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."



"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did

your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"



"Stay the hell away from Aunty Susan when she's been drinking."

[Camborner]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.


She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.

He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Allsorts!!!

[Joe]

lol

[old tom]

I'm not impressed, Camborner. It's just a little bit too over the top for this forum. I might have to delete it.

Please keep these jokes on the silly side, not the smutty side.

Ta...

[Camborner]

Sorry about that.

[Brynjaminjones]

Are you being serious or not Tom? I can't tell.

[old tom]

Hmmmm.. I must have missed those postings, GB...
As I have full edit rights on ALL forums, no more please.

And yes, Bryn, I was being serious. Once this sort of thing happens, people try to outdo each other and it all ends in tears..

[Brynjaminjones]

Sorry, all those posts about it were posted while I was still writing.

[Anonymous]

( )

[Camborner]

Is this deleting just for the Sweets joke or is it for Aunty Susan as well?

[Brynjaminjones]

I think it's just the sweets joke.

[Camborner]

Sorry about the sweety joke everyone.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the
bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I
believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"